12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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