she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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