at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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