this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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