Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
