we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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