i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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