I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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