mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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