I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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