After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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