Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
