i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize