Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
