I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
