I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
