I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
