Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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