I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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