I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
