Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
