In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
that's an acceptable place to lick
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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