just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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