Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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