Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Let's paint friendship bongs
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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