How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
