her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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