i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
