hotel room ftw
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
