Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
