There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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