He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
