I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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