pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
