As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
