1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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