I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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