So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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