Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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