Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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