I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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