i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
