We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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