the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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