I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
