this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
