I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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