I puked a lego.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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