I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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