why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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