this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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