Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
