I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize