I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
