is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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