i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
